As I got up to walk past him and leave yet another bitter battle, I angrily, and very defiantly said “sometimes I want to slap your face for the way you speak to me!” An instant later I was dangling from his grip around my neck, toes barely touching the floor.
I had taught self defense classes and my brain knew what I needed to do to save myself, but my heart shattered, looking into his hateful eyes, full of rage, at this man that was my whole world, watching him hurt me, again. I was frozen. Like I was watching from above myself. If I fought back the punishment surely would be worse. But the fear of my son being motherless gave me just enough strength to hold on until he was done. He slammed my head to the corner of the couch, and my body slumped to the floor as I gasped for air.
As swiftly as he went in to his rage, he scooped me up off the floor pulled me into his arms and said “why do you make me do this to you?” The stench of his cologne that I had loved so much, burned now in my face. Now, not only was I a victim, it was my fault. For the next three days, not being able to hold my own head up for more than a minute, he was as loving and tender as he could be. Commence total mind destruction.
*This is just one 7 minute snippet of the hundreds I survived. The mental damage far worse than the physical. Reading this back feels like someone else’s horror story, but it is mine. I don’t have a lot to say about this particular instance, I guess there is just a numbness where my emotion is supposed to be. It is a self preservation mechanism.
Forgiving him was far easier than forgiving myself. He did these things, but I stayed.
If you are in a situation that brings any harm to you or your existence, mental or physical, know that it is not okay. If you make excuses like I did, “he’s never hit me in the face” like that makes it acceptable to assault me in other ways, know you are not alone, and what you are experiencing is not acceptable. Help is available, and survival is possible.
Sending you all some love and light today.