Is it just me?! Bueller?

12:30 am – brilliant idea, doze back off

1:00 am wake in panic mode 100, brilliant idea is gone, can’t breathe, chest feels like it has an actual hole in it. Surely my heart rate per minute has created a black hole. (All my ex’s will probably second this notion)

1:04 unglue myself from the safety of bed to get cold water on my hands. Drink some water. This usually helps release a little endorphins and snap me out of the chaos.

***I see you cutters, and self harmers, I understand the depth of that pain, where the only way out is a redirect of the pain. A feeling so awful, an overwhelming loss so great you’d rather claw out of your own skin than stay in it.  Sending you love to stop harming your gorgeous selves, if only it were enough. ***

1:05 recognizing cold water isn’t working, contemplate what else can stop the madness, take to social media (not normally recommended) scroll, click, like, comment…I’m cold from water

1:06 begin watching a video from my off roading trip, slowly with out even realizing, I begin to calm. Good memories. Loved it. Ok now I’m hot.

1:07 sticks leg out, then slowly pulls back in due to chucky/it/Freddie Kruger man that potentially could be under my bed

1:17 swig some Zzz-quil and beg to get some rest… please let me sleep, please.

1:17.5 remember that one time… brain: blog about it!

1:18 opens website and starts new blog

1:37 pop a xany- more pleading for sleep

Sigh- it’s 1:54 still no signs of sleep

1:57 that’s it lady, fluff pillow, sleep now!

1:59 you really should just bartend again… you’re up anyway

2:00 that is a terrible idea

2:04 blink blink blink

2:10 how about now?

2:32 yoga anyone? Brain: yes how about corpse pose you psycho!

Ugh try again tomorrow.

*** if you don’t get the Bueller reference above, I’m not sure we can be friends***