I want you to scroll down to the picture below. Take a look and then come back up here.

Alright, got it?  What was your first impression?  (Besides my name being spelled wrong, with an E in it)  I want to talk about this with you, and then I want to you to look again.

It popped up in my memories, maybe on FB or TimeHop, and I immediately cringed.  What may look to you, as it did my neighbor at the time, as good, or “sexy” (cringe, again) is horrifying to me.  You see when my mental health is at its lowest, when I am at my weakest, I have a hard time eating, my anxiety fueled IBS flares up, and keeping weight on becomes an impossible task.  Now I know there are some out there that retort “oh what a ‘problem’ to have”, but it actually is.  Being skinny this way is unhealthy.  I become weak and tired, lack in valuable nutrients and vitamins that my body and mind need, my hair thins, my face looks ghastly, I shake uncontrollably, sometimes my kidneys get infected so bad that I end up in the hospital.  If I can manage to keep food down, I spend the rest of the day close to a bathroom. (Sorry I am not sorry for the truth.)  At this point (in the photo) I was obsessed with the gym, addicted even.  It may have been an escape to start, but it turned in to another sabotage on my poor body.  Facing the pain in life was too much, the chaos unbearable, so I buried it in working out. Rep after rep and mile after mile, I worked my body until it began to fail me.

At my lowest I was 111 pounds, and I am 5’7 – in comparison, if you know me, or check out my IG, info below, I am around 130-133… and I feel too thin now!  Twenty lbs… less… shew!  Side note, this is not bait for any compliments, or about me physically at all… it is about how it feels to me, on the inside.  To help you better understand that body image and acceptance, and dealing with it, are a real thing.  That diagnosed or not, over eating, or starving your self is a real issue, deep rooted within a suffering human.

Let me ask you this, when was the last time you went up to someone who has put on weight and said “wow, you are getting fat?”  No, haven’t done that? Crossing a line?  That is inappropriate? Well then, WHY ON EARTH is it okay to say “wow, you are so skinny!”?  Because society sees that as a good thing?  Because it seems like a compliment? Well it shouldn’t, especially when it stems from a place of pain.

::insert eye rolls:: but seriously!

From a gal who openly and honestly tells you about her problems, her darkest side, her mental health issues…take this truth: people are carrying all kinds of burdens around with them.  Do not be so quick to judge, or throw body type changes around so easily… you never know how much damage you may be doing, even unintentionally.

It is about being healthy for me now.  I have to force myself to not weigh myself everyday, sometimes twice, because when the number drops, I panic even more.  I measure myself in how I feel, and feed off of that.  It is a battle sometimes, but I am working on it.

For anyone in a tough place, and everyone who is not, I am sending you some light, and some love.  If you need help, seek it.  I am challenging you all to #belove for others.

Love,

T

 

 

Thanks for reading, follow me on IG @uncontrollably_me. xo

Also, check out my good friend Jill there as well, she is a survivor of an eating disorder, and she inspires me EVERY DAY! @roaring.love (free bulimia recovery program as well)