My truths, some
rules – scratch rules, rules were meant to be broken. How about some comments of advice… hmmm suggestions… a guideline if you will, specific to me (and probably lots of others too) some just some of the time, sometimes all of the time. This is that moment I think, “listen, I’m a hot-mess, I get it. ‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, I don’t blame ya, that shit is ridiculous'” But really, we are all a little fucked up, or a lot whatever – in the head is okay, but in the heart – please keep passing me by fella, k thanks! (I hope you are now singing “she keeps passing me by” – by The Pharcyde, you are welcome!)(also if you don’t know who that is, you are too young for these “suggestions”)
My son and I are survivors, we are number one in my life. Period. That does not mean there isn’t room for another, but there are boundaries set, our foundation will never be rocked again.
There will always be a part of me that is a little untrusting. I spent years in chaos, and I am just now learning to trust myself again years later. Trusting another will certainly take time.
I will try to hide my flinching when certain parts of my body are touched. It is not against you, there is just certain memories that remain, painful ones.
There will always be a part of me, that walks away when you expect me to stand and fight, because I just cannot partake. It does not mean you are not worth it. The chaos is not, not in the moment of battle, it’s just too much.
(I know I have surpassed most attention spans, if you are still here, way to go!)
I will never relinquish my reign over my life, I was out of control for too long. That isn’t to say I won’t let someone help, but it will take time to get there.
There will inevitably be times where you can’t reach me. I am not cold, or distant on purpose, there is just a peace I need to find on my own terms.
Anxiety is irrational, trust me, I know. That knowledge does not however, clear up the mental breakdown in the moment. And I cannot just “stop worrying”, if it were that easy, I would, promise.
Consistency is key. Do what you say you will, simple.
I am brutally honest. That can work in your favor or be soul crushing, there will be no in between or sugar coating.
(Truth – I am almost done… a few more points to mention, similar? maybe – bear with me.)
We all want amazing. I refuse to settle or waste time, yours or mine, it will be a fit or not…that said I need to go slow, sometimes painfully. But nothing that stands to last can be rushed.
I am passionate, and love hard. But just as strong are my gut instincts, they have NEVER been wrong, and I trust enough to follow them now. Red flags are just that, signs that make things eerily similar whether there is a negative intention or not. I cannot un-feel them.
I never expect another to pay the penance for someone else’s sins, but those sins have shaped me into who I am now, my existence and my reactions are indicative of that.
Mostly, things are rooted and also changing… understanding it may be impossible at times, so maybe acceptance is a better avenue.
(How about a quick condensed version just to make sure you didn’t skip anything, yea I could have done just this, that would be too easy)
Let me be free to be me, take me as I am, flaws, awesomeness, scars, beauty, damage and wonder alike, and you will undoubtedly experience something you never have before. Unabashedly alive, hopeful realist, full of love and light and some dark shit too. It is a fuck yes, or no. I don’t succumb to obligation, but having me around by choice will leave you feeling your want-and-desire tank full. Someone I loved brutalized my life, the damage may wane, but expecting to replace it is futile, no matter how good it can be, there will always be traces of scars laying in wait.
For anyone attempting to love me, good luck 😉 but seriously, patience, kindness, consistency and acceptance are key. I understand what I said, that at my worst… I can barely handle me, so it takes a strong soul to match mine. If you cannot handle the deep end, then don’t. You should know that I have lived through the worst of times, and I am not afraid of being alone. A relationship should be two people bringing more to the relationship and the others life, positively. If you don’t have the best of intentions, as I will, please leave me be.
I will be just fine over here making all of these faces below after reviewing my own words above!