Y’all okay from the boob post?! Still here with me? No one fell out? Okay good wink wink!
It has been raining for days, or so it seems. The introverted side of me (yes I have that side too) loves it, not only for the musical dreariness, but the given excuse of staying in. Falling asleep to the rain on the skylight, snuggie time on the couch with the kiddo and pup are awesome. However, the darker side of me goes “lady, if we don’t get some sunshine soon….” This weekend I even got to the point where I didn’t want to write, and that is not a good place to be, for me. If you have read anything on my blog, you know my expression is LOUD. I am unabashed, so when I am struggling, it is also just as loud. Several friends reached out with real concern, which is hard for me, because I am the gal who is always good. Strong, exuberant, lively, fun, outgoing. Always. I don’t want them to worry, “I am good. I will be just fine.” (Love y’all dearly for loving me of course, your observations show how much you care!)
Feeling stagnant is probably the worst thing for me, feeling stuck in a place, even just for a few days, seems like forever. What I thought about last night though, was that it has nothing to do with the rain at all. Of course it doesn’t. All of the things I am feeling, I allow, they root in me. Because on a warm summer day, I am also the girl that will go dance in the rain, and laugh like a kid. The dreariness certainly can aid in the feeling, but the feeling is much deeper than the weather. And it is okay. It is okay to not be on all the time, to stay in and rest, to feel sadness and joy. There is a balance. I just have to work on it.
I am relearning my emotion. I know it probably seems like I am a veteran at it, but for years I did not allow myself to feel at all. I pushed it all down for self preservation. And now, it’s like learning to walk again. The rawness and vulnerability can leave me feeling very low, but still I welcome it. It is better than feeling nothing at all.
Some days are better than others. Today the sun came out.