Sometimes resisting the urge to run is too much. Right now, I want to go home, not just get there, but fly there, get under my covers and stay hidden. At least until the dread passes.
Dread from what, you ask.
Good question. Today, I wish I knew.
See that is one of the problems with anxiety. There is this dread, that lurks around and then just springs up randomly, for no reason, and with no merit most times. Other times, there can be a reason, for sure, but not one you would imagine. Mostly though, it is this feeling that overwhelms your brain, who, like an asshat jumps immediately on to the dread train, like its a fun kind of getaway. Leaving you there with a betrayal from mind and no end in site from dread.
Sometimes it is a minute, and sometimes it’s days.
It can rise like the swell of a wave before it comes crashing down, and then there are crashes of waves without any warning at all, you know the one that knocked Aunt Grace down last time she visited the beach, just not as funny. As violent and unpredictable as the sea itself, where the only certainty lies in the fact that the waves will keep coming, is anxiety. Often quick trips to the shore, too many times as a tidal wave with excessive flooding.
I want to run. But I have to stay, see my day through. The fight will exhaust me, but it will end with exactly what I want… the safety of my home, so I lift the armor and carry on. Breathing, controlling the air in my lungs, even if I can’t control the restriction I feel all around them. I’ll hold it for a few second, just to prove my point, EFF you anxiety, you can’t have my air! (Typical symptom for those of you who are new to mental health, rapid, uneven breathing, feeling like you cannot get any air, leading to deep breaths because it is the only way to survive, or so it feels.)
(Also on the learning curve, telling me, or anyone with anxiety, to “just stop worrying” is like telling Ray Charles to just start seeing. He is blind and dead, so you see how impossible that would be, and how ridiculous it sounds. Well with anxiety, same. Trust us, we would if we could.)
The point: I’ve got this, and if you know this place, you have got this too. We can ride the waves together.
Love and good vibes