Music is one of those magical things that is woven throughout my life.  There are songs that bring on a memory like it is present tense, and there are songs that make me dance and sing and forget my troubles, and then there are songs, so deep and so moving, that they have actually changed my life.

Where I Stood, by Missy Higgins, is one of those songs.  Her unreal vocals found me in a time where the bottom of the well began to feel like home.  Her lyrics, were my voice for the 4ish minutes of melody.  I will post the link in just a sec, but I want to dissect this thing… this is my therapy after all, right?!

I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it’s all or none

This was the beginning of the end.  I did not have the strength all at once, but it was brewing, there was a resilience in me, begging me to leave.  The only thing harder than staying, was going… but it was imperative.  And once I began the process of leaving the chaos and abuse, it was a ball rolling down the hill.  I hit every bump and crack and crevasse, but eventually I made my way.

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening

I knew that if I stayed, it would only get worse, and that the end of my life would come sooner than fate had planned.  I knew more than that, that I had to get my child out of this life, I could not bear him becoming another statistic, or like you, a monster himself.  I heard the little voice, and I held on.

‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

Okay, this is serious.  Not only did I not know who I was without him, I could not even breathe when he left the room, let alone separate our lives.  I did not know who I was.
He had a multitude of other women, and I knew, they must be better there by his side, because I could no longer do it.  I could not be the abused, betrayed, victim he made me.  I knew that I had to break free, continue on, let it all go to save my son and myself…. at least whatever was left.

See, I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren’t leaving without a fight
And I think, I am just as torn inside

I truly believed before you, that you were in a relationship, or you were out.  I never understood the depths of your soul, or the maliciousness you bestowed upon me, and many others.  I never knew that a man could have a family, a home, a life, and then one  random Tuesday morning, get a call from a woman who was accusing me of cheating with you on her.  Several years later, kids, money, homes involved, this woman believed you were actually cheating. on her. with me.  You lived in the grey, the shadiest of them all.  And there was no escape without a fight.  The most brutal of them all.  You would never grant me the peace of leaving, you would make me be the one, just to throw salt in my wounds, make me the one to “abandon our family”.  The wounds, the bruises, the injuries, you were relentless.

‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won’t be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than any one I, I’ve ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do

This verse is not about you.  This verse is a testament to my character, and my love.  I had to leave, I had to save our lives from your horror, but my love for you wouldn’t wane.  It was then, the essence of me, and I would have done anything to help you, but I could never ever again, be yours.  And this line “you taught me how to trust myself” this is the most improtant set of words in this song.  These words freed me.  Because I would never again let a man assault me, emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily.  I would never again, let someone rape my life the way you did, because I learned to trust myself.

My gut has never been wrong, I only wish I had listened, and believed in her sooner.

‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood

I know who I am today, without you.

Thank you Missy Higgins.  You helped me find the strength and courage.

XX

T