I am terrified to actually admit this, because then I have to do it, and for even more pressure to follow through, I decided to write about it. What do I need to say out loud?! Well, to be direct I am un-benching myself.
So, after I gave love a go last year and wound up terribly disappointed, again, I decided I should maybe take some time and give my heart a little break. The dates were shit anyway and personally, I would rather stay home than be with the wrong someone, blame it on my Virgo. So I did. I still attended the game, I have a hopeless love for love, but I benched myself from getting in the action.
And then, I began to feel like I may be ready for something, but I fell (actually literally fell, blame that on bourbon) into a situation that resembled some of my previous habits. Not in a bad way necessarily, just not the type of thing that I am deserving of. Too much detail here will reveal innocent parties, so that is all about that. Discretion, discretion, discretion.
Totally my fault, but the good news is that I recognized this and then with equal ferocity, did something about it. The better news is that I decided that although that situation was not for me right now, that I actually allowed myself to feel something… hello… feels… me, what the shit is going on?! Right! So because of this good and better news, realizing what I want and need and then also having the feels about a thing… I decided that maybe, just maybe I am ready to really get back in the game.
Like, I sat on the bench for quite a while. You know, dressed out but not actually playing. And then I went to a few practices, spring training if you will, warming up to things again. And now here I am, thinking “I want to get back in the game”. Of course, as I type this I also think to myself, “STAAAAAWPPPPPP backspace, backspace lady WHAT arrrreeeee you doing!?” Right, because life is busy and things are a little all over the place, and there is family stuff, and traveling, and and and.
And then this little voice says under her breath, “we still have hope, about having a person… you know, the person”.
And just like that, all the fears and busyness feel small, because it is worth it right, that is worth it?! I live a life I love, and I speak about all of this open, honest, live out loud, good vibe stuff… well, part of that goodness is having someone to share it with. I am not afraid to admit that I crave that, that I want it. I just also want it to be a choice, that two people make, each day.
Of course, I am not in a rush or looking to jump into the rocky waves just yet… “TITANIC!” (you know who you are!) I am just saying “put me in the game coach, let’s see how this quarter goes and then reassess from there.”
My cynical side just popped up and said, “Stay tuned for more from the series: Dating In Real Life! Back to you, you sappy hopeful dummy!”
And yes, that is really the shit that goes on in my head. Wish
me them luck!