So there I was minding my happy Friyay times and wham! No really wham… right in to the wall. What started out as not feeling so good turned into the afternoon in the hospital and sleeping 24 hours over the next two days. Hot flashes, vertigo, lightheadedness, tremors, and this fun little zap right in the heart (yes, proof I still have one!) were a few of the party favors my body handed out. What really rounded out the day though, was the dismissive look on the doctors face when I told him about my anxiety meds. It was like all of my issues suddenly became side effects of my anxiety and I needed to “try and relax and not put so much stress on my body” with his hand resting firmly on my arm.
Now maybe, in fact, everything that I was going through was caused by anxiety, but also maybe not. It is completely possible that my body manifested all of these issues as a warning that I needed to chill the eff out. But, I can say that there is no worse assault on someone who is sick, than to blame it all on their psychological state. I didn’t get a reading, an explanation, even an idea that they had seen this before. Simply a pop two of these and try to get some rest with “we understand and feel for your issues” kinda looks.
Everything was so foggy to me that it all seems like a dream, and their doubt in my very real symptoms only furthered feeling like I was completely crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I am the first to say I am crazy, but completely crazy, like they made me feel? No, just no.
As the fog began to lift a bit yesterday and into today, I realized that doubting myself, letting the mental health issues win, is exactly the kind of cycle that gets people stuck. And as for me, well I do what I want. I am not going to accept that my mind is fueling my body into playing tricks on me without figuring out how to cope with it. I have anxiety, I live with it. I will not be defined by it anymore than by the scars left by a man too weak to truly love a woman and knocking her down blow by blow.
Am I winded from getting out of bed today? Yes. Did I get up anyway? Also, yes!
Listening to my body more, being a little more selfish with my boundaries, getting back on track are my goals. My lesson is ongoing, but it starts with not being defined by my mental health issues. Staying strong, even when I am weak.
Sending y’all out some love!
P.S. I am Uber grateful for everyone’s help and concern… but yes, I of course checked my meds, all good there.