Or something like that.
At least that is how my life feels right now. I have successful days and then I have days, like today, where I am left feeling completely demolished.
The day itself was not so bad, my body worked fairly normally… more on the POT syndrome later… but then wham, a rather large let down which ended up releasing the feels from hell… yes, feels, also yes, eye rolls.
Now this work-related event was not really the issue, it was what it uncovered in me that hurt. The kind of uncovering where it feels like someone is simply ripping the strongest adhesive from a fresh, barely scabbed wound, all while pouring alcohol on it and lighting it on fire.
Okay, maybe that last part was a little overboard. But, when it comes to disappointment in others, others who have earned your trust and then voluntarily decided that letting you down was a viable option… that is how it feels.
Now, I understand that not everyone is like me, I have only heard it 33,672 times in my life, in that others are not always willing to communicate about things, especially the tough stuff. Meanwhile, I am the type to put. it. all. out. there. I am also aware (by being told about the same amount of times) that I can be, let’s see, I will just run through the top few here, unapproachable, intimidating, aggressive, cold, emotionless, you get the point. However contrary to those terms, I believe I am quite the opposite. I feel so much that I physically hurt at times. The difference is that after surviving an abusive relationship that should have killed me, I learned that not everyone deserves to see and experience those emotions. They are mine and certain people have not earned the right to be privy to them.
For example, if someone says something to me that is offensive, I believe being offended gives their comment merit. If it is offensive and untrue, why would I give the jerk the satisfaction of knowing it got to me? Right.
When you live in a suspended state of chaos, you learn quite well how to not feel a thing, at least outwardly. So, while I do understand that I may qualify by those descriptors to some degree, once you get to know me (or read here) you realize those are just protection mechanisms. Walls that have withstood the onslaught of war and managed to stay upright.
I attempt to live my life in such a way, that if someone were to talk about me in poor nature, it would not be believed… oooooor the receiving ear would assume something about the teller rather than myself. Truth be told, I can absolutely be a bitch, 100% hands down, would never deny it. However, it is NEVER unnecessary, or in a manner that is callous, malicious, or intended to make someone suffer.
I speak the truth and I back up what I say, that simple. If you do not agree, or like what I say, that is your prerogative, but it is rare that I am wrong. Not because I am just always right, but, I make a habit of making sure I am correct before rolling off some inarticulate, incoherent, rambles of downright dumb shit. I put more thought into my thoughts and feelings, and decisions than the average bear. Maybe it is the Virgo in me, or maybe that is coupled with years and years of being wronged, disappointed, over-stepped, abused, taken advantage of, and essentially growing up in a male-dominated industry where I have had to prove myself right every single time I walk through a door.
Anywho, here I am, again letting someone slowly gain my trust as a human. Not any over-dramatized requirements, just asking someone else to be a decent human to me, allowing them to earn my trust and then boom! Disappointment. I do believe our own expectations are a quick Segway into disappointments, but at what point do you keep your guard up for long enough that we can just call a prick a prick, or a shitty thing, just a shitty fucking thing? I am tired of letting people who do awful stuff off of the hook because I should have expected it!
I can’t lie, this post was inspired my the nega-torians, aka sadness, hurt feelings, anger and let down. But, I do realize it is less about this instance, and more about the underlying and consistent setback I face with others, especially men. Not all men are bad, I am not even saying that, so don’t go getting it twisted. However, I have had the unfortunate experience, from the beginning of my life until now, to be let down and disappointed time and again, just when I think I can let my guard down even a smidge.
Is my picker that bad? Is my hope in human-ness that outlandish? I like to let it float and believe not, but damn, some people make it alarmingly difficult.
I can not/will not lower my standards. They are not that high, first of all. And second, if someone cannot rise up I should not have to lower myself to make it fit. In any kind of relationship. Do we all make mistakes? Abso-fucking-lutely! Myself included – double that yes. But I would rather walk through fire than deliberately hurt someone I care for. Truths aside, because my moral compass cannot be fucked with and sometimes they do hurt, I would never want someone to feel less than amazing at my expense.
I just don’t get it.
So there is the day in a nutshell. I am bummed. The silver lining is always learning the truth and seeing people for who they really are.
Sending you all out some love and good vibes because we all deserve it – except you jerkface, you know who you are!