In hindsight, our vision is always better. Especially in relationships. Or after a relationship, I should say. Things we see looking back are clearer than when we are in them. The reflection over experiences normally always sits in a brighter light. So how do we bridge the gap between, "I should have known better" when it is over and "fuck it, let's see what happens" the next time around?
As I creep up on the next decade, I have this odd sense of comfort and confidence in myself and my life, right alongside my crippling anxiety... it's a weird place. I have lived, I have loved, I have made it through thus far. I have been successful and damn near dead a few times. I look back on some things and see clearly where I should have thrown in the towel, or changed direction. And then, I immediately think, "How different would things have been if I had?" And, if I truly live the sentiment of being, or attempting to be unabashed, then I must reconcile that I did exactly what I needed to at the time, rather than say, "damn those rose colored glasses!"
You rely on your gut to say this or that is for me, and this or that is not. You make peace with life giving you only what you can handle. You learn to accept the adventure and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Follow your heart.
Sounds nice in theory, but this is also where I throw down speed bumps in my life and relationships like a gauntlet and say "eh I am not so suuuuure". If life continues to present you with lessons until you learn them, at what point do you say no to the right thing because you are trigger happy from the past experience(s)? Knowing I do not want to change what I have experienced and in turn learned, how do I deal with a feeling of "this may be one of those 'you probably shouldn't'" thoughts?
If it has felt right, and looked right, and given me something to believe in before, and then turned out to be the opposite... how do we sit the red flashing alerts down and say, "okay, okay - I hear you, but what if?" What if it is not the same at all.
The answer is that you take your brain along with you.
I am obviously not talking about the wild, outlandish, and obvious, scenarios... if he cheated with you, he will probably cheat on you kind of situations... I have never seen a tiger change his stripes... certain things are alarmingly clear. I am talking more about the societal conditions. Like, young love not lasting - they're young, what could they know about real love. Or couples breaking up and getting back together - that'll never work. Or meeting someone and knowing immediately you will be with them forever - you just met, and nothing lasts forever. Or couples enjoying the uniqueness of another's culture - they are too different, they won't make it. So on, and so forth.
Where is the easy button when the conditions of life have caused you to think twice about something that makes your heart happy, even if others do not "get it"?
At some point, we just know when it works and when it doesn't, when it is worth it and not. No matter the judgment, the obstacles, the trials, you know when it is for you, even if it is not for you forever. You take those feels from the heart and double check things with the brain, and move forward.
You ask yourself, could this be good for me, and if so would you feel like you missed out if you didn't take the chance.
You decide that as long as you are learning, there is no such thing as a "shouldn't have" because it brought you to this very lesson, in this very place, and right now, you are alive. The My goal is not merely to survive this gig, but to thrive, to leave my mark for the good, to leave the lessons with my young man, to leave this place better, and friends happier than I found them. My goal is to love. So unless it's a fuck no, I say fuck yes! ("But proceed with some caution!" hollers brain.)
I am gonna trust my heart, and brain will be supervising all the while! Settle between feeling and logic, and mute out the naysayers.
Thanks for hangin in while I worked that out... I have mentioned before that this is my therapy, right?!