Love > Hate

LOVE > hate

So l dreamt last night that I was back in my old home, with my abusive ex. Day after day, in this dream, I was assaulted, raped, and battered.  Scarred, broken, weak.  One day I had a small window to escape and so I did.  In response, my ex threatened to kill my family if I did not return and so I came back. I returned to the house of chaos and horror fearing losing them.  And then, he murdered them anyway.

My son, my parents, my brother, and family, right in front of me. It was the most devastating dream I've ever had.

But it was a dream. Luckily.

I woke up unable to shake the fear, sadness, grief, guilt. Unable to shake him.  The tragedies.  The harshness of this world.

It was just a dream.

More than that though, it is something I will always live with. Consciously, or subconsciously. It never goes away for good. It never wanes.

My fate and life forever changed, marked by my experiences.

Who knows what the trigger was,  if it was the sadness of the day, it doesn't really matter.  For anyone suffering, presently or from past trauma, of any kind... survival is possible. While it never goes away, we heal, we begin to handle and progress through life better. We get through, we learn to grow again, be vulnerable again, trust again, in time.

Today I woke up, safe. In my home. Alive.

I originally intended to start off this month, October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, with information, shared stories, and discussions on the matter.  After the events in Las Vegas though, I decided I needed to let my emotions calm down just a bit.  And then this dream.

Our lives are so intricate, fragile, from within our homes to standing outside listening to our favorite artists sing.  In the blink of an eye,everything can change.

Some days are better than others.  Today, let your love be bigger than hate.

Keep your heads up, keep your hearts strong.