The ugh days
Y'all the past few days have been rough! It seems to swell, that emotional upheaval, after some sort of adventure. I suppose my need to run gets fulfilled, but the anxiety of travel and the unknown, team up with the excitement and fun, for the perfect storm of overwhelming exhaustion. Couple that with a hectic work schedule, a few confrontational experiences (why do people have to be so mean?!), traffic, yielding emails on home owner association situations with a tight budget, personal bills overdue, planning events, anniversary of an awful night, keeping the boss happy, friends in very sad times, scrambling to drop off forgotten shoes at the school, yada yada yada. (I know first world problems, but go back a few posts and remember we don not compare here.) Yesterday all I could manage to do was get home, get in comfy clothes and hide under a blanket on my couch, until the air around me seemed somewhat less like impending death, and breathable again.
Anxiety reared up in violent form, three days in row, and different each day. From emotionally out of control, to nauseating, random sweating, feeling like my lungs are giving up and resisting their job, numbness in arms and legs, vicious dreams, forgetfulness, overwhelming sadness... I could go on, but the truth is, it is all bad. It leaves you feeling betrayed by your own mind and body. Helpless in your own skin. It is awful.
Quiet. I needed calm, quiet, the peaceful surroundings of my home. The first one I have felt like has really been my HOME, ever. Between moving and growing up in broken homes, I never felt like any house was a home, until now. Overcoming a horrible past, digging myself out of the trenches, surviving abuse and financial disaster, the security I felt in providing a home for my son and I, all by myself, granted me the feeling of home, finally. It isn't a huge or spectacular place, but it is ours, and it makes me feel safe. Needless to say, I crave it. I enjoy being there. I look forward to going home. I know many do not get to enjoy such a luxury, and so I savor it, in the most grateful of ways. It provides me with a measure of calm, to know that no matter how bad a day gets, I just need to get home for some relief, and for me the calm clarity I have access to, is priceless.
My hope for all of you, is that you find a place, physically, or even mentally within yourself, that you can feel peace. Not in another human, not in a place or way that can be unbalanced or taken a way. A place you are secure no matter what the hurricane of life has swirling outside.
Sending out some love!