Kintsugi - you can call me Sugi

Kintsugi - is the Japanese art of mending broken things, filling the cracks with gold to restore its natural shape while strengthening the item.
“it’s very important that we understand the spiritual backgrounds or the history behind… the material.”
“to find beauties in broken things or old things,”
“It’s one beautiful way of living, that you fix [it] by yourself.”


I've always had a knack for picking unavailable men.  It is like this inherent, albeit learned skill which ultimately, if I am being completely honest, is covering for my inability to connect.  And in reality, furthering the honesty as I read my own words back, I am capable deep down... I always have been, it is the looming disappointment in men that I run from, creating the lack of want to connect.


Let me break it down.

I am broken.  Now, yes I have been put back together with gold, making me better and more valuable than before.  And also yes, my scars are what make me beautifully me.  The fact remains that I was broken down so badly that I am only capable of loving how I know to now, with what is left after the damage and all of the work I have done thus far.  I have been abused, used, and cheated on.  While I do not expect a man to pay for the sins of another, those sins made me who I am now, here, loving as best I can with (in spite of) the experiences I have.  Part of my healing journey has been reconnecting with emotion and being capable again, of connecting with another human.  But, let me tell you, it has been a path wrought with bumps, crevasses, ups, downs, turns, and detours.

My instinct is to seek out a man who is unavailable because ultimately I know the outcome.  If I pick a man who is not strong enough or emotionally capable enough to meet me in the depths of my mind, heart, and soul, then I know it will certainly meet a fateful end.  On some levels, even a controlled situation, because I know that is what I would need to be successful in a relationship.  It spares me from ever having to really connect and in turn, never be at another heartbreaking, life altering loss.  You have to understand that I survived things that absolutely should have killed me.  Not just a let down, or a good man that I argued with, not someone who wasn't just at my beck and call, not a man who would walk through fire for me but we just did not see eye to eye.  Instead, a man that inflicted a pain so intense that no one should have to live through.  But, I did, barely.  Knowing that suffering and pain so intimately forced me to disconnect and steady myself with the notion that I would steer clear of its awful, brutal reality in the future.

As a result, I chose to be alone or to pick unavailable men.  I should not have to but will say here that I do not mean unavailable in the "taken" sense.  I understand the pain of being on the receiving end of cheating all too well to participate in that kind of situation, knowingly.  Men who did not want a relationship, or men that were long distance, those who could not or would not want more than the bliss a few good months, before calling it, were my lane.  I found safety in the knowledge that it would end.  No expectation, no strings, easy kinda free from the real deal relationship.  No mess, no drama.  No pain.

What I have discovered about myself recently, however, or the part of me I hadn't wanted to give a voice to for a quite some time, is that I want more.  I also still want the no drama, and the goodie good stuff, but I am craving the connection that allows love to grow roots over time and stay a while.  I desire a man who is strong enough to hold my heart, caress the golden cracks and see how lovely they are.  A man who can be really real with me, a friend and a lover.  To know someone, see them, and have that returned.

I should not be afraid of pain because it means it is real and tangible.  I have also learned that if you are not afraid a little bit, then what is it worth?  The truth, my truth, is that I have survived, and with that survival comes the reality that I have made it through worse, so why hold back now?

I am strong, capable and deserving, cracks, broken and all.  We all are.