More on the key...
So I realized after the last post, that I was so relieved to have had some clarity, I didn't really talk about the actual key. And as it turns out, it was not the crying, wouldn't it be lovely though just to fix everything with a good ol' ugly cry. I'd time that shit out right before my face washing at night and sleep like a baby. Sigh.
Anywho, I know that it could never be that simple, and did some thinking. The key is actually having the grace with myself to not just feel everything, but to be vulnerable to react. It sucks when your parents are ill, and it sucks to lose a relationship that you really felt something for, and it sucks to have health issues that wreak havoc on your body and day to day functions... let me start that over.
It sucks when my parents are ill, and my dad is in the hospital. It sucks to lose a relationship that I felt something in. It sucks when my brain and my heart are failing me in ways that they shouldn't. It sucks to be completely overwhelmed by parenting alone. It sucks when my family member wants to right their wrongs by acting like everything is just fabulous and sweep that shit back under the rug. It sucks to work so hard that my stress level leaves me with insomnia.
The point here is not that it all sucks, or whoa's me, or that is should or should not be okay. The point here is that I extend my heart, and my brain, and my feelings some grace when it is not okay. That I allow myself the room to react to life and all the good, bad, and crazy that it is.
I do not have to plow through and pretend it doesn't hurt. The key is having the courage to be vulnerable with myself and being my own safe place to fall, laying down on my bed and crying because it hurts, or telling someone that what they are doing is not right, or drawing a line at my boundary level and not wavering.
The key is not just having my own back in the fight, but mending my heart and mind when it hurts, just like I allow joy when it doesn't.
Love yourself well today, your self deserves it.