There is no key!
So the other night, after finally writing a little bit, I went upstairs and did some laundry. Of course I got dizzy, which is so common these days I am getting used to it, more on my health later/soon. I flopped down on my bed to let my body catch up and the flood gates opened completely unexpectedly. I am actually saying to myself, "is this what you need? to ugly cry?" to which my face answered "whhahhahhayyyeessssssssobsobsobuhhuhhhhhhhhsoooooooooooob".
For a second it was like I was all at once completely rational and yet completely hysterical. My normal strong brain was like "okay heart, do your thing, but hurry it up, we have shit to do."
And my heart was all, "thanks brain, I really needed this, you know. These last few months have been tough and full of change, and feelings and I don't feel like we are dealing with things well, you and I, and since there hasn't been a whole lot of dealing there is like no healing, and I... brain, are you paying attention?! I need your help."
Brain "I hear you, heart, it's just sometimes you are over there in lala land and that's not where we live. So I need you to tie a rope to me or something because trying to find you when you go all, gitty, is exhausting."
Deal. Said brain and heart and then I began to laugh at the reality of being in hysterics and it helping me cope.
Sigh, this is real life y'all, maybe only for some of us... but I know you're out there. It is not about the cry, it is about allowing myself to validate that sometimes stuff is just hard and it is okay to feel my way through a thing, even if I do not face it with grace and normal reaction. So cheers to being on the other side of the chaos... just in time to celebrate another year of life.