I remember watching a movie as a young girl with a message that has stayed with me all of my life. Or maybe it just pinned what I already knew to be a truth to my mind. I have always loved music, it has shaped me, taught me, opened me, moved me, given me solace and hope, lifted me up and knocked the air straight from my lungs. Music, to me, is more like breathing. It is a constant, a necessity, a love of my life.
In this movie, there is a constant flow of beautiful sounds as two people fall in love despite the resistance to in the beginning. There is a harmony that grows as the relationship does. When the two are forced apart, silence consumes the theater. I remember saying to my step-mom, "It is too quiet now that he is gone." To which she replied, "That is the point." At that young age, right then and there, I recognized that the emptiness to our ears reflected the missing piece of her heart.
::Also noting, I have been a hopeless romantic at heart all of my life, clearly, so I decided to stop apologizing for it::
I knew that love and music went hand and hand for me. That the lyrics and melodies would paint the memories of lovers past and ignite with unrelenting sounds with someone new. Music in its daily dose to my ears and in to the depths of my soul was and is as important as every other thing this body consumes to remain alive. It is also in every single beat of self-love in this heart of mine.
There are songs that have changed my life. The three minutes and twenty seconds that passed marking a line of before and after. The resonation of words that match my emotions and sounds that match my feelings - that is music to me. The crushing anguish in a tired voice, the surmountable joy in a free and easy line, the ability for the sound to travel to my bones and through my body is also exactly what I want my love to feel like. To envelop me and dance through the waves of my vulnerable heart.
So, when I hear music when I am with you, I know. When the sounds are lighter and the words stay stuck in my head I recognize the state of my heart. The way the music dances in my soul when you are near is enough to calm this wounded woman. And when you go, and the music follows you, I remember what heartache sounds like.
Love and music.